He is an equal opportunity slut.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
