So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
