i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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