Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
