Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
