I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm determined to sit on that face.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
