My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
