Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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