My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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