I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize