Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
