I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Alive.
So much puke
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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