A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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