Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
