You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
