i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
