this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
