You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
