I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
