That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
