His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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