i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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