I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
