I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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