after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
