y did u give ur computer a hand job?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
