Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
