ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
