she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
