Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
