took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
