Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
