and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
