I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
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You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
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He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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