I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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