We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
