girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
