This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
