The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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