There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
