Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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