i think my tv is drunk
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
