vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
