you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
