What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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