She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
