when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
