I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
