I think I am morally bankrupt
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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