I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
