you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
