The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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