im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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