Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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