What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
