We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
