i think my mom watched the whole time
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
